Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Reality Check

Hi, everyone. I'm sorry it's been over a month since I last wrote.

I assure you there is a good reason. Also, I assure you some positive changes are coming to my little corner of the blog world. (Hang with me for a few paragraphs).

Since the Internet is a big place, I don't want to put too many specifics out there. What you need to know is that everyone in my family is safe and managing for the most part.

When I was a working-outside-the-home gal, I worked in a retirement community and we learned about this group of folks called the "sandwich generation." Those are people who are caring for an elder in their family, often a parent, in addition to trying to raise their kids. Now I'm standing in the same shoes. Once again, I've had an a-ha moment, realizing how lightly I took this role. (I had the same kind of a-ha experience when my Mom passed away. I didn't really understand HOW hard it was or what was helpful to say to people.)

As I write this, I realize how petty this may sound, but this is the first time in my life that I'm just plain unable to see the bottom of my to-do list. And forget tackling those fun ideas I'm just starting to find on Pinterest, or the books I want to read, or keeping the amount of white space in my inbox that I want. I've found the outer limits of my "capability."

I'm sure many of you have lived or are living in this zone, treading water or just putting out fires. I'm trusting that it's going to be for a finite period of time, but I don't know. I've actually huffed around in weak moments saying, "I guess my life just isn't ever going to be about anything I want to do." Then I proceeded to go on and fantasize about maybe doing fun stuff in retirement.

It's disgusting the nasty stuff that lies dormant in your heart, isn't it? Clear countertops and decluttered closets don't mean pure thoughts, no sirree! Maybe I should have a t-shirt like the neighbor boy's that has a picture of a lobster and says "I'm a little bit shellfish."

So what does this mean for the blog?

For starters, I'm going to talk a little bit more about bringing balance into your life.

One of my goals right now is to be "present" wherever I find myself. That means not worrying about the dishes when I'm out in the yard with my kids. It also means not worrying about my kids when I'm listening to a healthcare provider giving me caregiving instructions. It means gazing into my husband's eyes and asking after him even when we're ready to collapse after the kids go to bed.

I'm also going to continue to try and allow myself to receive more help from others who love and care about me. Some of them read this blog, and I want them to know how grateful I am for them.

Finally, the blog might become a bit more about me. I purposefully kept it sterile in the beginning, and I still want to maintain professionalism and privacy. Still, we are all human, we are all growing during this journey of life, and we can't exist in a vacuum (...although my son thought it would be funny to go inside the dishwasher when I started it up tonight).

Are you feeling the tension between necessary responsibilities and time for self-expression and self-care? What kind of changes would you like to see from the blog? Thanks in advance for your comments!

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